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-   -   Happy St. Patrick's Day (http://www.raptorsforum.com/f/f9/happy-st-patricks-day-1287.html)

INSIDER 03-17-2008 09:42 AM

Happy St. Patrick's Day

any plans today boys?
any st patty's day stories?

i'll start...
about 2 years ago (at my old job) my english buddy ( a raving alcoholic) decided to celebrate lunch at an irish pub downtown... it was just the two of us...
we ended up taking a 3 hour lunch and drinking about 6 pitchers of all sorts of beer....
during that 3 hours, i made out with 2 irish waitresses, danced for about 30 minutes to some irish folk band and got a free tshirt that said 'kiss me i'm irish' from the pub.

best lunch "hour" ever!

i then went back to work and probably stank up the entire floor.

Acie 03-17-2008 09:50 AM

This girl I used to date said she was going out with her "friends" on St.Patrick's Day, which I discovered the next day meant riding her ex-boyfriend's shillelagh all night.

Good times! lol

Benzo 03-17-2008 09:55 AM

I was in Hollywood when I was 21, and went to the bar/hotel the standard.

Met 2 girls, and to be a player ordered 4 martinis, the waitress came over and said "that will be $128"

I did not have $128 and we looked like fools....needless to say...we didnt hook up with those girls....later on Iasked Cameron Diaz if he would like to have "brunch" the next day...she ignored me....

I awoke with one of the worst hang overs ever...alone..and broke.

MangoKidHoops 03-17-2008 10:02 AM

My last year away at university (2002), at my residence's year end banquet, I got so liqoured up beforehand (started at 8am, drank a 26er of Tequilla), I had to go to the bathroom at the banquet hall to sober up - fell asleep on the can for an hour and a half, left the banquet for 2 hours to drink green beer at some pub a couple of blocks down the street (almost getting picked up by the cops for public intoxication) then went back to the banquet and slept with 2 girls within 2 hours of each other and neither of them knowing about the other.


Raptorman 03-17-2008 10:13 AM

$128 for 4 martinis?? ...or was that for the whole night?

I have no stories. My drunken stupidities occurred on other days.

Benzo 03-17-2008 10:15 AM


Originally Posted by Raptorman (Post 18835)
$128 for 4 martinis?? ...or was that for the whole night?

I have no stories. My drunken stupidities occurred on other days.

For 4 drinks.

INSIDER 03-17-2008 10:22 AM

that is the best st paddy's day ever!
you win!

MangoKidHoops 03-17-2008 10:26 AM

The sidenote in all of this is that I almost didn't sleep with one of them. She couldn't decide between me and some other doofus who she wanted to sleep with. She had to flip a coin to decide which one she would bang. I won. Then word spread about it and I was blacklisted for the rest of the year (didn't matter, only had 1 month before I left that God-forbiddened city for good).

INSIDER 03-17-2008 10:30 AM

getting laid on a coin toss!
now thats some good luck!

i wish all girls were like that...
"hey baby, lets do it"
"uh, i dunno if i should... let me get my coin"

giggittty giggity goooo

MangoKidHoops 03-17-2008 10:32 AM

That's when you need a 2-headed coin.

It was like in Friday Night Lights when it came down to a coin flip to determine which school was going to the Texas State Playdowns.

Then the loser and his friends on the floor/section tried to fight me at a bar the next weekend - like it was my fault that he lost the coin toss. Talk about sour grapes.

Acie 03-17-2008 11:48 AM


Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run

over by a train.

His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised

and he's walking with a limp

" What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

" That little guy , O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you,

he must have had something in his hand."

" That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible

lickin' he gave me with it."

" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have

so mething in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty

it was, but useless in a fight."


An Irishman who had a l ittle too much to drink is driving home from the

city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.

" So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"

" Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink

this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

" Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms

across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

" Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. " For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan

arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in ?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

" Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my


" That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident

down at the Guinness brewery..."

" Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

" I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim.

"How did it happen, Tim?"

" It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and


" Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.

Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."


Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday morning service,

and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.

My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have

any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth,

sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk

continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side



Tale of the Irish Sausage

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't
have a lot of money between them, they could only
raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out
with one large sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any
money left at all!"

Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two
pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much
trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"

Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a
plan, Cheers!"

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick
the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees
and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and
more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I
can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the
sausage in the third pub.


Belsius 03-17-2008 12:02 PM

:haha:the last too where really good.

INSIDER 03-17-2008 12:40 PM

hahahaha... good one's Acie...
i'm gonna email those to some folks at work here.

Acie 03-17-2008 12:48 PM

One more.


An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cussed her.

"Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff...Dad....I became a prostitute..."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family."

"OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur
coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For my little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club........................ (takes a breath)............. and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ..."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug."

INSIDER 03-17-2008 12:50 PM

heres one:


A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man.
"I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks:
"What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man.
"I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man says.
"I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

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