Rudy's deal with the Devil
Old 11-03-2013, 11:25 AM   #1 (permalink)
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The Devil was hanging around Memphis, basking in the glory of Graceland, and sustaining himself with the still lingering scent of banana-peanut butter sandwiches fried in two sticks of butter. Rudy Gay found him there as a young rookie. And yes our Rudy sold his soul for the sake of a maxed-out contract.

Now it didn't take long for Rudy to realize that it wasn't enough. He went back to the Devil and complained that nobody thought he was worth the money. "Can you find me one person that appreciates my abilities enough to see my contract as worthwhile?"

"Sure. But you already sold me your soul. What else have you got to give? You're getting to be a big pain in the ass", said the Devil. After some thought he decided he would send him off to Canada, where Rudy would be constantly reminded that he was a soulless motherfucker. "Bryan Colangelo will appreciate your abilities, but you will know many cold days in the hell that is Toronto. With nothing of any significance for you to see there, you will be forced to look inward, and the darkness of your soulless being will fall upon you. You will have Kyle Lowry insisting that he is like your brother. He will follow you everywhere. And the music of Drake will flood your ears."

Rudy took the deal. He could fight through the numbing cold. He could handle Kyle being in his face all the time. He could accept the darkness within himself. He had his abilities, and he would have Bryan Colangelo appreciating them. He would even be welcomed as "that fucking guy" up in that wintery wasteland. Bring on the Drake tunes, he thought. But the darkness within him began to dim his eyesight. He was not seeing the rim properly. His abilities were becoming diminished. And Bryan Colangelo got fired. It was starting to feel like a raw deal. He texted the Devil with his complaints. The Devil just wanted to be like the rest of the NBA at this point, and forget about Rudy Gay forever.

"OK. Fix ur eyes with laser surgery. Then look upon the face of Landry's newborn child. The godchild will B mine in return for your restored abilities."

But God himself intercepted this text, with the help of the NSA. He could not let this stand. He called upon his mightiest archangel, Michael, and sent him off to smite the Devil. And smote him he did. He found the Devil lazing in the Jungle room. He crammed every tastless piece of kitsch, all the items of nostalgia, all the garish furniture, the whole contents of the place, down the Devil's throat, and then smashed him open like hitchhiker Kai on a rampage. All of Graceland spilled out of the Devil like candy from a pinata. Oddly enough nobody would be able to tell that anything happened to the place, such is the wonder of God. But the Devil would forever suffer from double vision.

When it came time to ensure that Rudy's abilities were restored, the Devil saw Rudy's number 22 when looking upon Landry's number 2. All of Gay's abilities were transferred to Fields. God was pleased, but went further, and took it upon himself to have Landry's ineptitude visited upon Rudy Gay himself for the duration of his contract, thus forcing him to accept a buyout offer that included little more than free cable for a year. God recalled that Landry was meant to come to Toronto hand in hand with Steve Nash. So he gave Landry Fields all the talents that Steve Nash possessed as well. Toronto would be the NBA promise land. The team would be rebranded as the Toronto Snow Angels. The child of Landry Fields would be the second coming of Jesus. Elvis wept.
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Old 11-03-2013, 11:48 AM   #2 (permalink)
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lol !
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Old 11-03-2013, 11:54 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Old 11-03-2013, 11:58 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Hahaha 10/10 would read again
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Old 11-03-2013, 12:17 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Old 11-03-2013, 12:31 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Old 11-03-2013, 12:44 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I can't say he's a bad player, he's probably STILL OUR BEST PLAYER NOW! But he can't exist with DD, yes he can play with him if we want that 7-8 seed, but if we want to make a leap forward, one of them should be dealt. Tho, I wouldn't mind seeing Rudy getting paid 10mln here, that's about right his price.
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Old 11-03-2013, 12:46 PM   #8 (permalink)
Nasty, right? I cocked that joint back and banged on him!

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Continuing the way it has, it makes you wonder if Rudy may not opt out.
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Old 11-03-2013, 12:49 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Continuing the way it has, it makes you wonder if Rudy may not opt out.
He'll opt out if he has a good season. If he continues like this no way he leaves 19mil on the table to take 10mil/yr.

If he believes he can get a 4yr/48-50mil contract he will opt out otherwise forget about it.
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Old 11-03-2013, 01:00 PM   #10 (permalink)
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He's not opting out of $19-20 million.
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Old 11-03-2013, 01:05 PM   #11 (permalink)
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He's not opting out of $19-20 million.
I think he would if he could get 12-14mil/yr on a long term deal. As it stands now he's looking at 8-10mil imo.
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Old 11-03-2013, 02:05 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I can't say he's a bad player, he's probably STILL OUR BEST PLAYER NOW! But he can't exist with DD, yes he can play with him if we want that 7-8 seed, but if we want to make a leap forward, one of them should be dealt. Tho, I wouldn't mind seeing Rudy getting paid 10mln here, that's about right his price.
You're a tough one to entertain.
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Old 11-03-2013, 02:11 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Is this original work LX? Fuckin hilarious.
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Old 11-03-2013, 02:29 PM   #14 (permalink)
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You're a tough one to entertain.
The funny thing is the more you read the article the more sad you become, because having Gay here is a pain in the ass. The only player we can trade him is Boozer. I doubt that he stays here after his contract is done, because as we go forward everyone will keep saying DD and Gay can't co-exist. They both had to work on their shooting this off-season AND PASSING! It's just 3 games, so I might be wrong, but Gay seem like he doesn't give a sh$t anymore after Ujiri said everyone is up for trade's except JV.

Thank God our defense is good enough to win us games, because our offense is the worst in the league.

We should be ranked:

Defense: 5th
Offense:30
Overal: 13-18

pretty much accurate and we shouldn't drop bombs on Rudy only, JV haven't played his best either, I could continue the list with our elite bench players like D.J Augustin, but I rather not.
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Old 11-03-2013, 02:38 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Is this original work LX? Fuckin hilarious.
Can't say it's original really, since it's based on a well-known tale rehashed in many ways, but otherwise yeah. Glad you liked it. Thanks.
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Old 11-03-2013, 02:42 PM   #16 (permalink)
Nasty, right? I cocked that joint back and banged on him!

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Don't worry about Gay, guys. We're trading his expiring to Miami so they'll have space to sign D-Wade's replacement. The big 3 rides again.
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Old 11-03-2013, 02:56 PM   #17 (permalink)
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The funny thing is the more you read the article the more sad you become, because having Gay here is a pain in the ass. The only player we can trade him is Boozer. I doubt that he stays here after his contract is done, because as we go forward everyone will keep saying DD and Gay can't co-exist. They both had to work on their shooting this off-season AND PASSING! It's just 3 games, so I might be wrong, but Gay seem like he doesn't give a sh$t anymore after Ujiri said everyone is up for trade's except JV.

Thank God our defense is good enough to win us games, because our offense is the worst in the league.

We should be ranked:

Defense: 5th
Offense:30
Overal: 13-18

pretty much accurate and we shouldn't drop bombs on Rudy only, JV haven't played his best either, I could continue the list with our elite bench players like D.J Augustin, but I rather not.
When your in a hole- stop digging.
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Old 11-03-2013, 03:01 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Rudy is running with the devil. He lives his life like there's no tomorrow.

Last edited by LET'S GO RAPTORS!!!!!; 11-03-2013 at 03:03 PM.
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Old 11-03-2013, 03:16 PM   #19 (permalink)
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When your in a hole- stop digging.
But how will he get to china?
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Old 11-03-2013, 03:22 PM   #20 (permalink)
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But how will he get to china?
Air Canada... same diff.
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