Raptors Thanksgiving Dinnerparty
Old 11-28-2013, 03:22 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Inside the Toronto Raptors Thanksgiving dinner party | Raptors Republic: ESPN TrueHoop Network Blog

Inside the Toronto Raptors Thanksgiving dinner party
by Blake Murphy November 28, 2013

Taking a page out of the books of Down Goes Brown, Raptors Republic has hired a spy to sneak into Toronto Raptors functions and get us the inside scoops. His or her (like weíd divulge) first assignment was to sneak into the teamís Thanksgiving get together, hosted by head coach Dwane Casey. (Should also give some credit to Gourmet Spud for the style-jacking.)

*The doorbell rings. Dwane Casey opens it wearing a messy apron. Several members of the Toronto Raptors walk through the door, exchanging pleasantries.*

Casey: Hey guys, welcome. Dinner should be ready in just a bit.

D.J. Augustin: Here coach!

*Augustin hands Casey a dish with tinfoil on it.*

Augustin: I brought turnovers for desert!

Casey: Of course you did. Come on in guys, you can put your coats in theÖ

*Tyler Hansbrough smashes through the front door. he looks around menacingly, then aggressively grabs everyoneís coat and trudges off.*

DeMar DeRozan: Coach, it smells delicious in here. What are we having with the turkey?

Casey: Nothing. You guys know me, nothing fancy. Just the bare essentials, nothing creative.

Quincy Acy: Donít worry guys, I brought some stuffing.

*Acy hands over a bowl that very clearly has stray beard hairs in it. A few other players have brought dishes, too. The team heads into the dining room and sits around the table, with Casey at the head. Rudy Gay begins picking at any store-bought food, removing any price tags and calorie information.*

Casey: So, guys, Iím glad to have you all here. I want you to know Iím thankful for the opportunity to coach a team of men like you, andÖ

DeRozan: Hey, coach, sorry to interrupt but it smells like somethingís burning.

Casey: No, no, itís fine. Just needs a bit more time. Now, as I was saying, even though some didnít thinkÖ

Aaron Gray: Uhh, coach, I think DeMar is right. It really smells like the turkeyís burning.

Casey: Aaron, relax. I know fowl. You gotta have patience, Iíll just wait a few more minutes for fowl, and then itíll be ready.

*The kitchen appears to be getting smokey.*

Austin Daye: Coach, it looks like somethingís on fire.

Casey: The fowlís not ready, guys. I want us to all go around the table and say things that weíre thankful for. Terrence, why donít we start with you.

*There are now obviously flames in the kitchen. Terrence Ross just sits, staring into the kitchen, not knowing what to do.*

Casey: Terrence?

Ross: TheÖthe fowl coachÖ

Casey: Fine, if you guys all want the fowl so bad!

*Casey moves into the kitchen and the sound of a fire extinguisher can be heard. Shortly after, Casey comes out with a nearly-black turkey.*

Casey: I guess I should have thought of the fowl earlier.

Steve Novak: Hey Rudy, can you pass the potatoes down?

DeRozan: Can we open a window to let the smoke out?

Casey: I donít want any animals wandering in.

DeRozan: Donít you use any screens?

*Casey looks confused by the question.*

Novak: Hey Rudy, can you pass the potatoes?

Amir Johnson: Donít worry about the turkey, guys. Iíve got this!

*Johnson pulls out a jar of red sauce that just has ďAmirĒ written on masking tape. He pours it on the turkey and the players begin serving themselves.*

Kyle Lowry: Damn, Amir, this is good.

Novak: Yo, Rudy! Pass the potatoes, man.

*The players begin to put the Amir sauce on other food, too.*

Landry Fields: You know, I canít put my finger on what this is or why itís so good, but it literally makes everything better.

*Abruptly, Casey stands up and takes Jonas Valanciunasí plate away from him. Valanciunas looks up, sad and confused.*

Valanciunas: But CoachÖ

Casey: Címon now, Jonas, you know I only feed you in the first half.

*A clump of mashed potatoes flies across the table, hitting Novak right in the face.*

Novak: What the hell?

Gay: You asked me to pass the potatoes!

Novak: That was minutes ago!

Gay: Oh, so sometimes you want me to pass the potatoes and other times you donít? Make up your mind, man!

*Some of the players look to a corner of the room, where Masai Ujiri stands, finger lingering over what appears to be a detonator button. He looks up and sees heís been noticed.*

Ujiri: Just evaluating, guys. Carry on.

*Sensing the danger, our spy chose this as an opportunity to leave, unnoticed and unscathed.

Related: Joey Grahamís All-Star Weekend
awesome read
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Old 11-28-2013, 03:28 PM   #2 (permalink)
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*Abruptly, Casey stands up and takes Jonas Valanciunasí plate away from him. Valanciunas looks up, sad and confused.*

Valanciunas: But CoachÖ

Casey: Címon now, Jonas, you know I only feed you in the first half.
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Old 11-28-2013, 04:39 PM   #3 (permalink)
Gam zeh ya'avor

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I wonder what was in Amir's secret sauce...
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Old 11-28-2013, 04:54 PM   #4 (permalink)
Is sick and tired of Casey

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Old 11-28-2013, 09:17 PM   #5 (permalink)
is getting to the line..

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lol hahahahaha :mu:
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Old 11-28-2013, 11:56 PM   #6 (permalink)

giant steps
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really well done. i was skeptical at first, but that just kept getting better. nice.
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