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Old 02-19-2010, 03:21 PM   #6 (permalink)

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Tiger Woods Announces Return To Sex | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Tiger Woods Announces Return To Sex

PONTE VEDRA BEACH, FL?In an announcement highly anticipated by sex fansaround the world, Tiger Woods told a small gathering of reporters, family,and lovers Friday that the most dominant fornicator on the planet wouldsoon return to sex."Not being able to get out there and have sex has really been tough on me,"Woods said. "I've missed it. I love fucking with all my heart."Woods said that during his brief time away from sex, he couldn't stopthinking about one day resuming his daily regimen of sexual intercoursewith random women who look vaguely like his wife, only skankier."When I am out there having sex, I am in complete control," said Woods, anacknowledged master of the long game who claims he is only truly at peacewhen he is between the legs of a woman. "It's just me and my thoughts. Anda high-end escort. And the lounge dancer. And sometimes [caddie] Stevie.And probably some stewardess I just met.""I'm so into it that I usually just block out all the cameras," Woodsadded.Saying that fucking is his "calling and [his] one true passion," Woodsspoke of how he has always adored the sight of a neatly trimmed mound, thesmell of fresh stank early in the morning when the labia glisten with dewyjuices, and the feel of a perfect impact with a woman's vagina."That sensation just flows right up the shaft, through my hands, andquavers up and down my spine," Woods said. "Ever since I was 16, I've lovedthat feeling. It's like new every time.""To be honest, I'd do this for free," Woods added. "I'm the luckiest guy inthe world."During his announcement, Woods released an aggressive touring schedule thatreaffirmed his commitment to sex. He is slated to take part in a three-daylovemaking session in March at the Clarion Hotel in Orlando, and confirmedthat he would join a foursome at the Doral Resort and Spa in Miami as atune-up for his first major fuckfest in Augusta, GA.In addition, Woods said he will not renege on his annual stop in Dubai, andsaid he looked forward to boning a prostitute on the roof of this year'svenue, the Burj Al Arab Hotel.The 34-year-old sexual superstar said he is "far from satisfied" by hisprevious erotic achievements and that he expects to return to sex evenstronger than before. However, Woods admitted he may not be in top form atfirst."I'll probably be a little rusty," Woods said. "But once I swing the oldcock around a few times and get it in the first couple holes, I'm confidentthat I'll still be able to drive it as deep as I always have.""There will be times when I get into some thick muff, and I'll have to setmy jaw and hack my way through it," Woods continued. "Just keep my headdown and hit that with all the force I can muster. I welcome thechallenge."Woods believes that his long game, which relies on innate strength andstamina, has probably suffered the least from his hiatus, but that hisfinesse, iron control, and deft touch around the hole are aspects of hisgame that may be slow to come back."I just have to take my time, visualize the line, and read the grain andthe slope of the vulva correctly," Woods said. "It's really all mental atthat point."Reaction to Woods' announcement has been generally positive. Many of hisclosest friends, including Mark O'Mera, said that Woods' return wouldundoubtedly be great for sex, and that, selfishly, he loves to watch Woodsout there doing his thing.Woods' fans have also been supportive."I'm so glad Tiger is coming back," said 27-year-old Florida resident andcocktail waitress Brandi Hughes. "He's the best."Woods concluded his press conference by saying that he is looking forwardto chasing Jack Nicklaus' record of fucking 18 major babes at one time.
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