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Old 04-17-2008, 12:11 PM   #1 (permalink)
Dr. J. Naismith
convinced that Raptors fans are only happy when they're unhappy.

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Default Jay: Laugh now, but thank us later

In my last post, I said that I would offer some pointers on how to create a happy pro-basketball household throughout the playoffs. Sure, you roll your eyes now, but wait until you’re sitting on the edge of your seat in game three, cold MGD in hand and the girlfriend/wife walks by and gives you one of those sighs/looks that suggests trouble is about to get brewing. You don’t even want to get near that situation, because even a miraculous attempt to smooth things over could result in a significant amount of QGTL (Quality Game Time Lost).

In order to calculate the amount of QGTL, you have to factor in the following variables: Game Number; Series Score; Game Score; Time Situation in Game (clock, timeout, commercial) Eye Contact Required with Significant Other (this variable has a sub-equation that can be arrived at by using factors such as Level of Voice, Posture, Facial Expression, What You May Have Done Recently, etc.); Actual Active Listening Required; Speaking Required on Your Part…needless to say, it is a complex equation that I don’t have enough time to explain, but you get the idea.

So to avoid dealing with QGTL, here are some things that you can do before the weekend arrives and the Raptors playoff season starts.

1. Say it with me - Spa Day. Sure, this will only work for one game, but if you do it right off the start, on the weekend, it will probably give you about a week’s grace for playoff basketball watching. Pretend you’re listening to anything she says about the day and then throw in a “So next time, would you want to go there again or try somewhere else?” This will a) make her think you give a damn; b) make her think you are actually going to do this again.

2. Chores. Get her to write a list of things she wants you to do on the weekend and get them all done by Saturday. If you have to take some of Friday off to complete the tasks at hand, do so. It’s the playoffs. It goes a long way.

3. Suggest a girls night out with her friends. House is empty, which means you can actually hear the tv and don’t have to answer a million questions if she decides to watch with you.

4. Buy her something. Anything. If there’s one thing women love more than talking about themselves, it is having shit bought for them. You can be the most progressive woman in the world, but you have to admit, a guy buys you something and it gets him a few bonus points.

I could go on, but you get the point. For the guys with girlfriends, this may not be as important to you, because you always have that option of stating the obvious - “Listen, if it comes down to watching this game or listening to you complain about shit, guess who’s winning?” Follow that up with a “You don’t have to go home, but you have to get the hell outta here” and you’re set. Bring on the playoffs. If you are one of those guys who says, “Oh, my girl likes to watch the games with me,” well then, good for you. But watch your back, because if you screw up on ANYTHING, she will use the companionship during ball as a weapon against you. You’re better off alone.

Alright, enjoy the playoffs.
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