landry fields forever
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Living in a van down by the river
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run
over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised
and he's walking with a limp
" What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
" That little guy , O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you,
he must have had something in his hand."
" That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have
so mething in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty
it was, but useless in a fight."
An Irishman who had a l ittle too much to drink is driving home from the
city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
" So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
" Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
" Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms
across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
" Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. " For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan
arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in ?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
" Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my
" That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident
down at the Guinness brewery..."
" Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
" I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"
" It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and
" Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.
Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday morning service,
and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have
any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth,
sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk
continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side
Tale of the Irish Sausage
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't
have a lot of money between them, they could only
raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out
with one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any
money left at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two
pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much
trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick
the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees
and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and
more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I
can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the
sausage in the third pub.