So, seeing that it will be another year of me not getting what I want for Christmas (Angel Boris, Melinda Clarke, Aida Yespica, Gina Gershon and Lisa Bonet over to open my chilled MGDs that I am downing as I watch non-stop Christmas Day basketball…with the Raptors playing the final game of a triple-header…and nobody talking…I have dubbed this gift, “Nudetopia”), I will list some things that I would really like to see happen with the Raptors after the Christmas break. Actually, I’ll just post my letter to Santa here:
Dude, I’m still not happy about you not being able to help me out with Nudetopia, especially since I have been asking for the same thing for about 5 years now…although I have to say, I’m not sure if it was you or God who came through by sending over the hot Animal Services woman to get rid of that dead raccoon in my backyard, so I’ll take that as a second prize…but then again, she flirted with me in front of the wife and that didn’t work out for anybody. Anyway, on to what I would like this year.
I’ve given up on Nudetopia, so let’s focus on the Raptors. I’ve listed 10 things I would like to see happen with the team after the Christmas break. Please do what you can.
1. Send Chris Bosh some videotapes of his high scoring games, which giant flashing stars around him whenever he takes it hard to the basket or when he’s at the foul line.
2. Scrap the Raptors Dance Pak and make it an International Dance Pak.
3. Send tapes of PJ from Raptors TV to the execs at MLSE with a cover that asks, “Guys, I mean, really? Is this the best you could do?”
4. Have Sam Mitchell figure out a way to get the Raptors to concentrate on playing a full game of D, whether it be in zone, man or even switching depending on the situation and/or team.
5. Send Jose a padded suit for when he plays, because with the way he continually goes to the floor and the lack of options behind him (now that things with TJ look bleak), we can’t afford for this guy to get hurt.
6. Speaking of TJ, if you can do anything to get things sorted for him, that would be great. Not just on the basketball level.
7. Send Bargnani a 350 pound stick of dynamite in some stretch denim IF YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYIN’. Slump buster man, SLUMP BUSTER.
8. See if you can find a tape of Sam at the Toni Braxton concert last year, when Lang saw an incident that brought a big smile to Sam’s face. BOOYA.
9. Send a Tony Little Gazelle to D-Mart…but with a burger tied to a string hanging from a stick about 6 feet in front of the Gazelle.
10. Write a note to Chuck, asking him to stop using the phrase, “(enter name here), just ate some rim.”
Okay, thanks Santa. Don’t swipe any of my MGDs, we left the milk for you boss. Don’t drink and fly.
p.s. Come on dude, ONE TIME…NUDETOPIA! ONE TIME!!!